More men are stepping up to home plate

stay-at-home dads are rallying

Stephanie Ariganello

staff writer

It is interesting to wonder if the genders in this story were reversed, if there would be a story. Most likely not. Maybe, as the phenomenon grows, men taking on the role of primary caregivers will not be considered newsworthy as well.

Nevertheless, while stay-at-home fathering still remains a revolutionary idea for some, it is entering the mainstream through media, support groups and research on the changing family structure.

The title Òstay-at-home dadÓ encompasses a wide range of men, but all of them have one thing in common: they are considered the primary caregiver in their childÕs or childrenÕs lives. Some work from their homes or freelance, others work part-time jobs with flexible schedules and still others are only completely employed by raising children, keeping up the home and warding off chaos. The north metro area is no exception to the rising trend with stay-at-home dads spanning the inner to outer ring suburbs.

An easy decision

One question that arises when examining this rise in primary fathering is: how did we get here?

In the past, handing the baton to men as primary caregivers was usually as the result of a layoff or lost job. It was a temporary solution to a sudden situation. That may be the biggest difference in the rise of stay-at-home parenting for men today Ñ they have chosen this vocation.

Most men interviewed admit it was an easy decision to leave their jobs in order to take over the child raising responsibilities. Pairing their willing ability to leave the world of nine-to-five, with a desire to keep their children out of daycare, the choice was the only one that made sense for many fathers.

One dad said he was never very strongly career oriented, whereas his wife has always had her mind set on climbing the corporate ladder. Others commented that their jobs happened to be more flexible than their wivesÕ, offered less pay and no or little benefits, and could be done on a part-time basis through the home. Others still said raising the kids, while a full time job in itself, still left time for them to pursue other interests like acting or writing.

ÒIt was a little difficult to leave my job, but I didnÕt shed a load of tears over it,Ó said New Brighton resident and Minnesota Dads at Home member Ryan Shriver. ÒI had kind of a love-hate relationship with it. Mostly I just missed the people I worked with.Ó

Shriver is the father of a two-year-old boy and a new baby girl that is expected at the end of August. He works part time through the New Brighton Family Service Center, and also freelance edits and writes for his previous employer.

As far as taking on the role of primary caregiver, Shriver said he had no male ego demons to battle.

ÒMy wife and I have always been on the liberal side anyway and I had interests I wanted to pursue outside of my employment. It was a natural choice for us.Ó

No man is an island

One of the larger issues men at home face, just like their full-time mom counterparts, is the isolation related to staying at home.

ÒSome days I wonÕt talk to another adult until late in the afternoon,Ó said Dave Weiss of Stillwater and President of Minnesota Dads at Home. ÒJoking during a recent radio interview Ñ it was about 3:30 in the afternoon Ñ I told the DJs that they were the first adults I had spoken with all day.Ó

Weiss is father of a 5-year-old girl and a 16-month-old boy. He runs a film production company out of the home and says most of the time he works from about 8 or 9 p.m. to midnight or later, putting in at least 20 hours a week.

Minnesota Dads at Home, or MDAH, is one group stay-at-home dads can turn to. The online community consists of 34 members and about 26 of those members meet or participate in play dates and outings. The group focuses on issues that arise in general parenting and more specifically on issues that arise for caregiving fathers.

Whether meeting weekly for a kiddy play group or swilling some beers at the bowling alley during one of the monthly dad nights out, MDAH helps combat the stay-at-home blues.

ÒWhether men are willing to admit it or not, MDAH is a support group,Ó said Weiss. ÒWe even joke about group hugs. Just joke.Ó

Shriver recalled one dadÕs night out when the guys got together and went to a bowling alley.

ÒIt must have been confusing to anyone listening in,Ó he explained. ÒHereÕs this group of about 8-10 guys sitting at a bowling alley talking about their wivesÕ birthing experiences and discussing the merits of breast feeding. It took us a while to get into guy speak.Ó

DadÕs night out, according to Shriver and Weiss, started mostly as an escape to the bar where most of their talk revolved around the young ones. More recently, the monthly outing has taken more of a turn toward doing things like bike riding or going to a ball game Ñ and then going to a local saloon.

The group of dads is trying to establish a momÕs night out for their Òbusy professional wives,Ó said Shriver.

ÒWe want the wives to get to know each other too,Ó explained Weiss. ÒWe want this to be a family experience. We want them to have a group of support, too.Ó

Weiss commented that the isolation for caregivers may be slightly worse for men since some dads out there may not know other dads in similar situations. MDAH tries to bridge these men.

ÒWe have about four quadrants now,Ó he said. ÒThereÕs at least one dad in all of the major metro areas.Ó

As far as the group goes, Weiss said it is not for everyone, but he encourages those even mildly interested to check out their web chats and consider coming to play dates.

ÒWe donÕt just sit around and hold hands,Ó he said. ÒItÕs not a 12-step program where one of us gets up and says ÔHi, IÕm Dave,Õ and everyone else claps.Ó

Painting the town baby pink

Some stay-at-home dads take a different approach to the situation. Roseville Mayor John Kysylyczyn is one example. Instead of actually being at home all of the time, he takes his three-month-old daughter Sara with him to meetings, city hall and other appointments.

He said taking her with him serves two purposes:

ÒI get to spend time with her and keep her out of daycare, and also she gets to meet people and become socialized.Ó he said. ÒThatÕs the one good thing that daycare can do is get kids comfortable around other people. So I try to bring her with me wherever I go.Ó

At this point, Kysylyczyn said he does not have much spare time for other things like dad groups, but it is something to consider for the future.

ÒBeing mayor is a full time job,Ó he said. ÒIÕve also been working on a massive remodeling project in our home and working when the legislative session is in for the last seven years, except for this year. Isolation really isnÕt a problem. My schedule doesnÕt allow for it.Ó

Since Sara is about town with the mayor so frequently, he had a name tag made up for her. Deputizing his sidekick, the wriggling baby wears a tag reading ÒSara Kysylyczyn, Deputy Mayor.Ó

Oh, how cute

WeissÕs overall goals are simple ones really: he wants people to acknowledge that he works just as hard as full-time moms.

ÒSometimes women will approach us and say Ôoh thatÕs so cute Ñ are you taking the day off of work?Õ ThatÕs fine, maybe we are cute and thank you, but it takes away from what I do. Maybe I take it too personally, but I just donÕt like when people generalize or assume.Ó

The other goal is, instead of signs and sports players saying ÒHi Mom,Ó when a person appears on television Ñ he wants to see or hear ÒHi Dad.Ó

He seems to be on his way. Weiss said that when his 5-year-old daughterÕs teacher asked her what she sees when she closes her eyes, Jordan responded Òrainbows and daddy.Ó